What should I do and how should I live?
I have to be responsible for what I do and what I don’t do. I hate this feeling and all the feelings that I’m going through.
They say the worst thing is to not be able to be with the one you love. That is surely bad, but there are worse things: secrets, to stay silent for the one who later tell everyone, betrayal, to hurt the one you love, to love the one who doesn’t love you, to love wrongly, to think that somebody loves you when they don’t, to be blamed for all the things you tried to do right but people rejected and you have to take responsibility for it, to do the right thing for one but not right for the other.
I am in pain and I cannot tell anybody.
You know how wrong it is for me to live and to survive? Sometimes I just want to disappear into thin air. I hate the pressure and I hate the facts that I have to bear and witness everyday. The good things are never good enough to make up for the thing that ain’t good.
I am so wrong to be born and to even exist here. I just want to go away and to never see or meet humans again because they are the most cruel creature I’ve ever met. And I’m so scared, so so scared to keep going this way.
I’m too tired, and exhausted with people and secrets.
Secrets & Shits
You keep secrets for people and keep yourself from telling the shit people have done to you, out of respect.
But then, they punch you in the face by doing the exact opposite thing. all of them. and they treat you like trash sometimes, even when they’re nice, there must be a reason for it.
Sometimes i wonder why people actually want to be friend with me. maybe, it’s exactly like what they say “i understand the circumstances very well”. It’s because I know where I should be and never ever ask for more. It’s just because I give myself no rights whatsoever when I’m with them. My fault to “know”.
You know what hurts most? I tell you what.
- it’s when you hear people say i’ve done sth, when that’s exactly what they’ve done to me in the first place. the reason your fault is validated is because they told somebody else. what are you supposed to do when they gave you back the gift that you’ve made for them with all the effort in a long period of time? now you just said out of polite that it’s ok if they don’t give me a birthday present, couldn’t meet up because of school, and that offended them??? what the fuck in the world is that? so much for bestie! and this wasn’t the first time they did this to you. this was one of the most recent and one in the many things that happened that they (hopefully) had unintentionally done to you.(remember, the time they left you first? they bailed out. and then they blame you for knowing sb else? what do they think you’d feel when they left you standing alone like that? ythey had the one you need beside them when you hang with sb else. and even in all of those time, they’re still your priority because “bestie”, remember?!)
- it’s when you tried all you could to support them and keep a secret for them, do everything you could in your power and time to help, and nothing is ever enough. You have to give up the time of your family for something that means a lot to them, and that’s ok because you know how valuable that special thing is for them. But then what?! You’re not asking anything in return, but just leave everything the way it is and respect your own privacy too. But they just can’t. You don’t peek on anything, respect everything of them. But they have to know everything. When you couldn’t do something, and refuse, it meant that you really couldn’t do it. It was almost a beg that you couldn’t, but most of the time, that begging made no sound to anybody at all. What the fuck are you supposed to do and feel?
- when you do your best in everything and have absolutely no bad intentions, you can still hurt people or make them furious or not satisfy them. You do all you could, adjust as much as you can, and still not enough.
I wish I could tell somebody one of these things, but I could not, because I’m still holding on to the thought of respecting them and keeping their secrets and shits with me.
Now I’m so scared of people, as I used to be.
yt.
“Bây giờ thà lấy dao đâm thẳng vào tim tao biết đâu sẽ làm tao đỡ đau hơn. Tao chúa ghét cái ý nghĩ tự tử, nhưng tao bắt đầu phải ghét chính mình khi bắt đầu thông cảm được cho sự hèn nhát đó.”
Tao bắt đầu sợ cho mày, và cho cả tao nữa. Sợ đến một ngày, tao cũng sẽ yếu mềm và dễ dãi với bản thân để thông cảm với sự hèn nhát đó.
Tao với mày, mỗi đứa một vết thương. Chỉ khác là tao chẳng bao giờ nói với ai được về vết thương tao tự gây ra cho mình.
yt.
What I admire. What I want.
A Room in the Roof:
An interesting showcase of how an attic space can be every bit as nice as a regular room.
Via Rafael Pinto.
(via simpledesks)
(Source: grovegrove, via congolonglong)
What is this? Why do I feel as if the garden has come to spring, flowers blossom and birds sing in the sky, and there’s a spring in my feet, butterflies in my stomach, music in my soul and i can’t keep a smile off my face.
Maybe i have just misunderstood it, for something better, for something more wonderful. But it feels so good that i can’t deny it, no no no.
It felt better than all the times before. Maybe it’s because the sun is brighter today, maybe the breeze is cooler today, maybe the people seem happier today, or maybe the rain isn’t going to come down and the street lights are dancing to the stars and the stars are shining through the night while the moonlight embrace the darkness of being.
I love it, i love now, i love me like this and i love you :)
yt.
:) thiệt vui quá mà! viết phát ăn mừng nhá :p
Chỉ cần một lời anh nói,
đêm thâu bỗng chốc là không,
khúc tình sầu bỗng chốc hoá hoan ca.
Em biết nói sao nên lời,
biết hát sao nên tiếng,
biết ru sao thành bài ca,
một biển trời buồn vui.
Chỉ cần một lời anh nói,
mà đêm tắt nắng
mà sầu úa màu
mà tim em rộn sáng.
Em không mong chờ một ngày trở lại,
chỉ cần những nỗi vui trong phút giây
cũng quá đủ để em sống hết
một ngày một đời không anh.
Biết mãi chúng ta chẳng thuộc về nhau,
nên thôi anh đừng về.
Em cũng chẳng ước chẳng mong,
chỉ cần nhớ anh yêu anh
yêu cho hết đêm ngày
yêu cho hết lối về
của một đời không anh.
Dư vị của chút tình ngày cũ
cho em biết tuyệt vọng chát nồng
cho em biết hạnh phúc ngọt xé.
Và rồi anh đến
mang tiếng lá xào xạc,
tiếng gót giày khẽ đánh,
và chút nắng ấm hồng.
:) em viết lung tung chút ít thế đấy. mừng ngày anh gửi em vài dòng, để em được nhắc nhớ hơi ấm của sự hạnh phúc.
Cũng lạ thật, vài ngày trước, e đã rất buồn vì Mike, thế mà chỉ cần vài dòng từ Mike, mà cũng thổi bay mọi thứ trở về với đất trời. Ừ, thì nhờ thế em mới biết chỉ có anh, và cũng chỉ còn một mình anh mà thôi.
Tận cùng cũng là anh, mà đỉnh cao cũng là anh. Chỉ chừng đó thôi, cũng đủ biết em không thể xứng đáng cho bất kì ai nữa.
Cũng từng ước chi được gọi Mike bằng tiếng anh, được nghe Mike gọi tiếng em, nhưng giờ thì chỉ cần được gọi tên nhau là cũng đủ ấm lòng. Em ích kỉ và tham lam khi đang có anh, nhưng khi anh đi, chúng cũng dần dần rời bỏ mà đi. Em không còn biết giữ thứ gì trong tay mình nữa. Em nghĩ chắc vì em cũng chẳng còn gì để mất, chỉ còn mỗi tình yêu không thể đổ vỡ trong em này mà thôi. Nhiều khi đến cả anh bây giờ cũng chẳng đủ sức để phá vỡ nó nữa đâu :)
yt.
p.s: hôm nay vì anh, mà em để cho mình “tự do” thế này đấy. Em phải có rất nhiều thứ để mất, để giữ, nhưng đó là suy nghĩ trong em. Còn trái tim trong em thì thật thật cần sự thuần hoá để không chực rơi vào tay anh thế này. Phải chi anh ở đây thì em đâu cần chi phải tự thuần hoá mình nhỉ?! Nhưng anh biết đó, với tính nết bất thường của em thì nếu anh ở đây thì biết đâu được em đã biết mình yêu anh nhiều thế này? Em cao ngạo quá cơ mà :) Bởi thế, anh chẳng thể yêu em được đâu!
As I wonder Why Never Me, I realise that if I don’t make someone else happy to feel happy for them, there is no other way I can feel happy. So basically I’m just a selfish and hypocrite soul who cares for others’ feelings because I’m afraid of losing mine.
Never try to peel too deep under your skin.
You might not die by the ugly sight of flesh and blood,
but you will die by the disgusting sight of what you can really become.
restraint and control never deserve the best,
but they save you from knowing the worst.
yt.
When I want something, I must work my way to get it no matter what. But there is one thing that I want but know that I can never have, so I keep myself from wanting it, everyday.
Once I ask myself, why never me? Doing the job of a wing-man all the time sucks. You will always be on a side, seeing everyone but yourself feeling all kinds of sadness and happiness that life has to offer them, and feeling happy for everyone but yourself.
I might start to sound a little eccentric, but sometimes I think I get tired of knowing what I should do and do it without anyone asking. I wish that I can quit it for a day or two, and be the leading character of my life for once. But you know, even if I have that chance, I don’t think I will take it because I know I will waste it and because I’m a coward with so many incapabilities of understanding happiness. So I never quit.
That’s why I was so sure that one person was what I wanted once. Thinking if it was that bad maybe I would deserve it and it’d never turn me down. I chose it to be the thing that I wanted and worked my way to have it. But I was wrong. I lost it too. I screwed up with the easiest choice, so how should I want something better? It will be too unfair for them. Which made me think, If I do like and respect and treasure something, I should stay away and not wanting it.
Being a wing-man, I forever understand it’s never about me despite the fact that how nice people are to me. That’s one rule I must know by heart, to keep my hopes and heart shattered. I don’t blame how people use me, because I chose to play that part, and I play it better than anything else.
So I train myself to learn to find happiness in someone else’s happiness, and become the insignificant one. You know what’s good and what’s bad about it? The good thing is that you are safe and free from everyone’s eyes to enjoy the happiness at the climax moment, since nobody notice you. But what’s bad is indescribable.
I start understanding, when you’re important to nobody, nobody is important to you, then you’re worry-free. But why is it so hard to restrain myself from desire that I don’t deserve and to understand perfectly how disappointment can tear me apart? Why is it so hard to want to be worry-free? Why is it so hard to save yourself from potential sufferings?
.. But why never me?
yt.
p.s: I know I don’t like to be in the spotlight, even for the moment of happiness. Because I know I will soon screw it up. So why bother to start? But I can’t help myself from wanting it. So I’m writing this down now, so later I can remember that I once did want something for myself so badly; so I know how eccentric I am deep down inside; so I know I am made of incapabilities and no-bravery; and so that when somebody can answer my question, they will never be right because I never need or want an answer to it.
